Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Hurt

It's so easy to be on the other side.

If I were someone else, it would be very easy for me to say, "Honey, they don't matter.  The only people who matter are the ones who love you."

This is as much strength as it is truth.

However, when you're on the receiving end of the hurt, it's very hard to just 'let it go' and heed the words of sweet security from friends and loved ones.

I'm just like anyone else.

I can't be loved by all.

I am well aware of those who hate me, because they make it very clear.  Those are the people I can 'let go'.

Yet, there are ones I can't do this with.

They are in my community, in my circle, all around me, all the time.

They don't make it clear, they just exude the energy of disapproval.

No, I'm not politically correct enough.

No, I'm not popular enough.

No, I'm not cool enough.

Yes.

I'm honest, and no totalitarian wants to hear honesty that could challenge the fascist who say, "Follow us or be the outcast!"  You must never speak your candor, nor may you ever show tears or fears.

I could never be good enough for 'them'; those who are dictated by the political, popular and cool kids.

if you think high school ended in grade 12, try being in the gay community

I stay hidden, invisible to those who stand in my scarred sight, as they look everywhere but into my eyes.  They feel my deprived reach for their gaze.  They repel this option by averting and giving a half grin.

don't bother, andréa, you're not one of us ...

I am only a visitor.

Only 9 months ago, they spoke words of false love and tried to connect with me.

Now, I don't exist.

I have social anxiety for a reason.

Here lies the biggest fear: I'm not good enough.

My foreboding fears were earnestly validated.

The pain killers were roaming my blood, searching for a place to lie, waiting to change my chemical balance.

Those little poison pills found their site to incite affliction; my sensitivity to hate.

Walking body after body I witnessed were part of the malevolent mass.

I counted them in my mind, "One, two, three ..." until finally I couldn't handle the pain anymore, and my biggest enemy appeared: my tears.

Of course, with those who love me, I used my truth for a lie, "Yeah, I'm in a fair amount of pain right now."

It was a great cover up of the reality, that those who attempted to hurt me, succeeded.

I closed my eyes and listened to the readers.

i am not here ...

The readers would take me away in their story and I would emotionally vanish, the way some hope I would forever.

poof! i'm gone.

I am still the weakest chicken in the coup.

They broke my skin with their pecking, and even today, I'm still bleeding.

I'm not ready for the big world yet.  I still need to stay with my grass floor, eggs that other hens have laid, and the smell of the stench from a fowl who has laid their feces in my home.

I still my Trust List.

18 comments:

  1. Oh, how horrible Andrea. Fuck anyone who cannot see the value in you. And you are not week. If anything I think people are intimidated by your quiet strength.

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  2. i love you jamie ... i really am grateful for your friendship xo

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  3. Andrea, sweetie, Jamie is spot on. You are indeed strong. It's when people realize that you ARE strong that they decide NOT to like you because they can tell you don't need them. It scares the hell out of people NOT to be needed for anything.
    It has nothing to do with your whole persona. Because you are mote than GOOD ENOUGH for the others. Believe in yourself A, because I do believe in you.

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  4. I love this post. So moving! Thank you. :)

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  5. @psycho, they don't know they hurt me and that i have weakness

    @vee, thank you ... i hope you never feel this way xo

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  6. Andrea - You have a strength and resolve like no other. Don't let those vicious people with their uppity sense of self worth shake your foundation. Realize the beauty that is you... Those that love you already do. Everyone else is inconsequential. xoxo

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  7. twister, thank you ... i will do my best ... it's all i ever do ...

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  8. I wish that you knew those people don't deserve to breathe the same air as you do.

    You are so sweet Andrea and maybe someday we can meet irl ♥

    alex

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  9. it would certainly be great meeting with you too ... fyi ... i consider all my blogger friends on the Trust List.

    xo

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  10. I bet a lot of those people are actually jealous of you.

    It's often the way with people that appear to 'not like' us.

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  11. perhaps dirty ... but if they only knew my mind, they would have nothing to be jealous of xo

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  12. "if you think high school ended in grade 12, try being in the gay community"

    That's true everywhere though.

    Love ya!

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  13. good to know rafa ... was thinking it may be time to bow my head graciously and split ... but if it's everywhere, then it's just life eh?

    fuckers

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  14. Andrea, I have much to write about on the topic of hurt but I am not as brave as you. I lack your courage. x

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  15. aw vee ... i'm just able to talk, b/c i spoke about it at such a young age, it became normal to me.

    you are courageous. we are all courageous in our own strengths ...

    i'm a firm believer that you have to get it out of your head and through your mouth (or fingers) to get it out of your soul.

    i'm always here if you want to chat xo

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  16. People will hate you, rate you, shake you and break you. But how strong you stand is what makes you. - Anon

    I also believe that you have to get things out of your head to let go...

    Following you. xxx

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  17. Hun you are the "cool kid" I love you baby and I LOVE that you are not always Politically Correct. I also love your honesty even if it offends me or others. Not everyone always agree on issues and there is something called Free Speech. You are working through a very tough situation. A weak person would not go through this transformation situation :-> Love you sweet stuff!

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  18. @ruchunino: i love that quote!! and welcome to my blog xo

    @papi: it's amazing that my honesty could be so powerful that someone could hate me! that's power i suppose ...

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