Sunday, August 7, 2011

Here I am!


By the end of the day yesterday, I had a lot more insight.

It always happens.

That thing I was telling you about?  How I can figure out faster what I'm having anxiety about?

Yeah that thing.

I'm understanding so much more about my fears.  They have ruled my life.

They sneak in to every crevice of my reality.

I realized yesterday, that I will be taken care of no matter what happens with my job.  I'm always taken care of.  I always have food, shelter and love.

It's really all we need in this world.

some ... they have none of the above ... and that's something to worry about.

I may not have my organic foods that make my body feel better, but I will have food.

I may not have the palace I need to fit all my 'things', but they're just things.  They don't fill my heart.

I may have been hen pecked by the evil of the world, but they don't matter, because the love I receive from those I've chosen to be around me is so sticky sweet, I could fall into a sugar coma.

Last night I realized just how much love could take away fear.

Papi and I were invited to a fireworks party by a friend who's becoming more and more of a kindred spirit as time passes on.

so we sat and made every excuse as to why we shouldn't go because of our social anxiety ...

The happiness she showed that Papi and I were there made my timid heart swim in warmth.

She has no furniture, as she's just gone through the end of a messy relationship.  However, by the end of the evening, her room was so full of love that those white, bare walls didn't even miss the chairs, tables, book stand.

It was abundant.

So much so that it seemed like there wasn't even enough room at some points.

That empty room was furnished with laughs, serious conversations, opinions, understanding of one another's pain, joy and future ventures.

Then, one of this world's finest authors that we are so privileged to enjoy, informed me that she reads my blog.  Her words swelled my fragile ego into strength.


"Well written."

These were just a few of the words she chose to tell me what she thought about my work.

It dawned on me then.

When I was reeling from the healing of my motorcycle accident, the only way I could creatively employ my feelings so as to benefit my mind, was to begin writing a novel.

I couldn't play my instruments.  I couldn't do anything but type.

Write I did.

goddamnit i really need to get that fucking thing finished!  **frets**

When I was broken with the news that Papi would be going through a male transformation, I couldn't speak.

The only thing I could do was write.

Write I did.

Here I am. 

"If you observe nature at work, you will see that least effort is expended.  Grass doesn't try to grow, it just grows.  Fish don't try to swim, they just swim.  Flowers don't try to bloom, they bloom.  Birds don't try to fly, they fly.  This is their intrinsic nature.  The earth doesn't try to spin on its own axis; it is the nature of the earth to spin with dizzying speed and to hurtle through space.  It is the nature of babies to be in bliss.  It is the nature of the sun to shine.  It is the nature of the stars to glitter and sparkle.  And it is human nature to make our dreams manifest into physical form, easily and effortlessly." ~ Deepak Chopra

Here I am.

Healing, learning, understanding, safe and loved.

In other words, fuck it.

It's all going to work out just fine, as did my life leading up to this very point.

Here I am.

This time was meant to be.

i also figured out i need to get the fuck out of this house, because lying around with a bitchy back in a dungeon does no good to one's psyche.  i mean really ...


your comments make this world feel smaller ... and you feel closer