Friday, August 19, 2011

Next step: Motivation

I'm like an elephant.

I never forget.

I can forgive quite easily, as we are definitely not perfect beings.

But forget?


It's part of the reason why I'm so sensitive to cliques actions, and why I have social anxiety.

I've run into the issue of being ostracized by mobs since I was a little girl.  Over and over again these throngs of people prove how mean they can be.

I really thought that it would get better at this developed point in life.  I mean c'mon!  We're adults here, are we not?

some of us have that nattering teenager inside ...

But just like elephants never dismissing a memory, some people are like feral cats and never change their loathsome habits.

I sat with a Trust List friend the other day, whom I told about my issues with 'learning'.  How I prefer to ask questions and learn from my mistakes to educate myself.

I mean really.

My biggest lessons have come through the err in my imperfect ways.

However, she looked at me with sympathetic sincerity, while asking me if it really is a method I would recommend sustaining.

I reminded myself, at the same time I told her, "I usually do these things until I'm sick of the pain, or finally realize they don't actually work."

I'm wondering if perhaps I should take a look at my scarcity of wisdom in the transgender world.

I've been so pig headed about the whole thing.  I've only been letting in what I can handle, to be honest.

Yet, I really feel that I'm much more secure now.  This allows me to be much more inquisitive, and simultaneously, more willing.

i am the queen of denial ... and denial ain't a river in egypt ...

Papi and I went to a movie the other day about transgender people.  3 people told their stories and one of them was a very young child.

The parents of this child were so supportive of their kid being trans.  It was really quite beautiful.  They fumbled through this new world, learning as they went.  All the while, they supported their offspring by allowing this person to decide who they wish to be.

Next came an F-M who had a struggle all through his life because everyone else could see that this 'girl' was not the same as the other 'girls'.

He spoke about his upbringing, the first person who accepted the male inside as 'Tom', and his isolated voyage in this quest of finding who he really is.

We didn't get to see the third person, because Papi's stomach erupted from a bad case of 'alfredo sauce from hell'.

It didn't really matter that I didn't get to see the third one.  The first two were enough for me to feel so deeply for my love, and the titanic trouble Papi must have endured to finally get to a point of acceptance of the male within.

My love had said to me early on in the drop of the bomb, "The reason I found strength to come out about my need to change genders, is because I knew I could trust you to keep loving me, and that you wouldn't leave me."

Papi was right.  I'm not going anywhere.

But damn!  I've got a lot of learning to do, opinions to change, and fear to overcome.

Nevertheless, there was one comment that stood out in the verbal exchange of femme to femme love with my Trust List friend the other day, that still reverberates in my mind.

I had blurted out, "My love is stronger than my fear."

My friend was jubilant to hear these palpable words, and stressed that I should place this bold statement around the house.  That way, I could see these words when I fret about my future with my soul mate who is becoming another gender.

There's really nothing to be afraid of.

I've gotten past that point.

So now, the work must begin.

Anyone feel like giving me a loving nudge?


  1. I found the following in a book I was reading a while ago and thought you might like it too:

    "We can create a very safe world for ourselves. A world which guards us from risks. A world which shelters us from new challenges. A world where the very fabric of our routines not only sustains us, but also anaethetises us.

    The inner life cannot fully develop under these circumstances. Safety is not always a key to growth. But questioning, searching, and risk-taking are." (Charles Ringma)

    Andrea, when comparing the posts you wrote back in November to the posts you're writing now, it clear to see that you have grown so much! Kudos (and hugs!) to you. :)

  2. oh vee ... thank you so much for your words :) and what is this book? time for a little bit of self awareness along with my learning new tricks hehe.

    i believe i have created this world by way of my Trust List and knowing that i can rely upon all the loving hearts not to judge me as i make my way through this.

    btw ... i consider every person who has read my growth and added words of support part of my very special Blogger Trust List.

    thank you for being a new addition xo

  3. The book is called Those Who Dare by Katherine Martin. It's a collection of short stories. I love it and have read it several times. I take it with me in my backpack on my journey around the world. :)

    It's an honour to be included in your Trust List, thank you. :)

  4. thank you vee ... i'll take a peek at it :) xo

  5. Fantastic article. I really know what you mean about mean spirited people. I am so tired of all the hatred and narrow mindedness out there. It is especially prevalent in our politicians these days mostly the tea party types - they spread so much fear, anger and divisiveness that it is shocking. I find it to be a disgrace the way these adults are speaking and acting and they want to govern our nation - I say no to their anger we do not need it.

    These mean spirited people remind of the song "Easy To Be Hard" by Three Dog Night. The opening lines are as follows:
    How can people be so heartless
    How can people be so cruel
    Easy to be hard
    Easy to be cold

  6. you know what 50?! someone just sent me that song yesterday as a listen :)

    and thank you for you positive words. having people like you around, i listen less to the negative and more to the good.


  7. You are so strong, honey - it's hard to explore emotions honestly when you write. I try to do it, to - I think that's why we seem to relate.

    Your blog is raw and beautiful and it's not offensive. It's so clear that you're still feeling your way through all these changes with P.

  8. tricia thank you ... we really are kindred souls ... i adore you ...

    you're getting married in a week!!!!! omfg!!!!


  9. Always trust your heart Andréa because your love can keep you learning and understanding what you need to know. ♥

  10. thank you alex ... it's very true ... our hearts are wise ...

  11. Well Alex has already said it. She is truly wise beyond her years.^^

  12. she really is psycho ... she really is xoxo

  13. i missed a comma ^^ and bad grammar!

    should read:

    psycho, she really is ... alex really is wise lol!


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